So I spent a good portion of my day in the Emergency Room. I can barely sit or walk without being in pain. It even hurts to lay down. The pain has been getting progressively worse the past 2 months, and today I woke up crying. I couldn’t suck it up any longer, I just couldn’t take it.
But for a manager for be mad because I couldn’t work my shift? If being in the ER isn’t a good enough excuse to miss work, then I lose faith in this world.
The amount of crying that has been occurring is exceeding the normal amount. Adulthood is kicking my ass. I wonder how I am expected to act, talk, think and live like a fully functioning adult, when I still feel like 8th grade was last year.
I never expected reality to hit me this hard. Here is what I have gathered and my thoughts on it all:
I am 21 years old and I graduated from college in August of 2013 with a degree in Graphic Design. In my classes I was fairly good and caught on quite well to what was being taught. I helped run the school newsletter, as well as stay active in Phi Beta Lambda-FBLA club. I graduated with a great GPA and two internships. One is a paid internship for the city newspaper, where I design ads that people see everyday in magazines and the newspaper. My other internship was for a non-for-profit organization where I learned the art of typesetting. Both internships have taught me more than classes in college have ever taught me. I also managed to work at my regular job while doing this and managed to get myself a raise/promotion.
Now all of this sounds so lovely and accomplished when I just lay it out like that. But like life, there are always complications and hardships.
I graduated 3 months ago and I’ve had zero luck finding a job in my preferred field. Every day I go online and search for any new job listings not only where I am currently located, but in the United States and Canada. And everyday I receive at least 2 rejection emails a day. I’ve banged my head against the wall day after day trying to figure out what to do. But there isn’t much I can do when a company won’t interview, let alone hire me because I only have a two year degree and less than 3 years of experience. Not only that, but the fact that my school happened to not teach Flash to us has me at a huge disadvantage. I hardly qualify for jobs, and when I do, rejection rejection rejection. I even applied to be an assistant to a graphic designer and was rejected. That cut pretty deep.
Some might say I should go back to college and pursue my bachelor’s degree. I honestly wish it was that simple. Last August right before graduation I was all set to transfer to another college to further my degree. A college I have been wanting to go to since I was in the 5th grade. My schedule for the upcoming semester was made, I had my roommates for my dorm, and I had my room at home mostly packed up. I was so excited. Well I was eventually notified that I was a little over $10,000 short because I was denied loans. No one wants to lend money to a person who has bad credit to begin with, and family refused to cosign for anything. Scholarships were not enough, and unfortunately I had to withdraw from the college. That was the end of my college career.
I have friends that will talk to me about how stressed they are about school, exams, papers, projects, professors. I’ve had friends who have talked to me about whether or not they want to drop out of school because they “just don’t want to do it anymore.”, and friends that skip their classes constantly and don’t care whether or not they are failing a class. They take so much for granted. I want nothing more than to be able to further my education and be in college. I wish I had the money and could afford to get my bachelors, and the fact that people will complain about college to me honestly blows my mind. They should be grateful that they are privileged enough to even be able to go to college. There are so many people that can’t afford it and want nothing more than to go. Why give financial aid to a person who is going to skip classes, fail, and possibly drop out, when there is someone out there sitting and wishing they had an opportunity to go. I just don’t get it. It really hurts that I can’t finish school. I would trade places with a college student in a second.
After writing this I got really sick from stressing so much.
I need to go to bed.
Just because I work 70 hours a week and hardly see anyone does not mean that I don’t want to see them. I do, it’s just difficult. But hey! Fuck me for trying to better my life, right?!
Baby Rue!!! <3 She makes my heart melt.
You have no fucking idea how scared I am to take the next big step in our relationship.
THATS why I have been a fucking mental case.
Got my old job back! Was so pumped that everyone was excited that I was coming back. So 2 jobs, and volunteering on the weekend. It’s going to be a lot working 7 days a week but I definitely do not want to sit around the house.
So on Sunday Andrew told me about how he plans on us moving in together soon, and getting engaged shortly after that. Now it’s all we talk about. It’s really weird, comforting and amazing to realize that he just might be the one I spend the rest of my life with.
I want that more than anything.
The next 5 months are going to be a roller coaster.
Thanks to you I learned what true love is supposed to be like.
It’s not walking together with you ahead. It’s not feeling like one person is smarter than the other. It’s not you trying to better my life or feeling like you are obligated to help me. It’s not trying to bend personalities and change in order for things to work. Love is not feeling like I will never be good enough.
Love is what I have now. Which is the opposite of what we had.
Love is acknowledging our differences. Walking side by side and being equals. We have different tastes and likes, and that is perfectly okay. I won’t try to change someone, and someone is not going to try to change me. Love is working together because we want to. Love is feeling like everything about me is flawless. Love is trust and understanding.
This weekend was exactly what I needed. A weekend with no work, school, internship. A weekend to spend with you and just relax. Sleeping on a tiny bed and cuddling all night. Waking up in the morning and getting breakfast, watching tv all day in the living room. It gave me a glimpse of what living with you would be like.
And let me just say, that this weekend was exactly what I needed right now. Thank you.
Andrew: “Night love. Thanks for the amazing weekend. I really want to get married <3”
I miss you so much. I miss your voice, and your breath on my neck. I miss your arms around me, and the silly faces you make. I miss your blue eyes and your curly hair. I miss you laugh, god, that laugh. I adore it.
Going three weeks at a time without seeing you is driving me crazy. I don’t want us to miss out on important moments.
I honestly really love you. I look forward to the rest of our time together.
I also just received an email from the Western New York Book and Arts Center about an internship.
I had an interview on Wednesday at The Buffalo News in their advertising department. I think it went okay. It was so windy outside and I was worried my dress would fly up on my way there.