The wheels are now in motion.

Today I shall be going to Buff State and turning in all my papers. My enrollment card, residence hall form, and health form.

I have wanted to go to Buffalo State College since I was in 5th grade. In the beginning of my freshman year of college I was dealt a lot of shitty hands. From both of my parents becoming sick, a bad breakup, and the ending of a great friendship, my goal became cloudy and I eventually forgot who I wanted to be. So naturally, I clung to the first thing that gave me comfort.

Art.

I was never diagnosed with depression, but there really isn’t any other word for what was going on with me for the next 2 years to come. My sketch book became filled with drawings, and I busted out painting after painting at home. I decided to become a Fine Arts major, and this gave me some joy, but I never really knew what I wanted to accomplish with Fine Arts. It wasn’t until one day in an introductory design class that I realized what I needed to do. We were watching a movie about design. Graphic design, industrial design, the design of type. It brought me to tears. Everything about it was so beautiful and interesting. I remember feeling like my chest was going to cave in, and I was just so happy.

Since then I have transferred schools, and I am now attending Bryant & Stratton College for Graphic Design. I had my doubts at first. Of course when starting something new there is always that fear that you made the wrong decision. After some time I have realized that this was the right choice. A professor that I really look up to even pulled me aside one say and told me that he feels that I have found the perfect major, and that I have a lot of talent. I don’t think I ever smiled so big.

I graduate this August, and have decided to continue my education at Buffalo State. All roads lead back there. I am nervous, scared, and happy. If everything works out, my credits will have transferred, and I will be living with my best friend of seven years.

Here’s to the next step in my life.

,

7 classes, 3 clubs, 1 contest, 1 job, a boyfriend, a family, and friends.

CAN SHE BALANCE THEM ALL?!?!?!
We’ll find out next week when we return with “Crazy”.

Lately,

I need to get my head in the game. I have so many assignments due. 4 essays, and 2 design projects. I decided to skip class today to get some stuff done. I’m just really stressed out. It doesn’t help that Andrew and I are on the verge of collapsing. I love him so much, yet he stresses me out. And lately I feel like I’m just not the right person for him. Which sucks, but we can hopefully work through this. I am working 6 days a week, and even though I’m exhausted, I’m pretty stoked for my paycheck. I want to be able to get everyone presents this year. We hired a bunch of new girls, and its stressing me out. Thank god I close tonight with Ally, I freaking love her, and she’s so hilarious. So tonight will definitely be a good one. :)

Gonna stop being so negative, and stop worrying, and gonna make shit happen.As Henry Ford once said “You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.”

,

I have a life. I have issues. I have problems. I work. I am busy. 

So sorry if I can’t be there every single time, you know? It’s life, everyone has one, everyone has their own issues going on. Sue me if I don’t stop what I’m doing to help you out. I help when I can, that’s all I can give.

I am human.

I’ve been sitting in bed all morning in my underwear. Something needs to change.

I wish there was a song I could sing to people when they are being shitty human beings.

Oh, you suck at being a friend.

What makes you act the way you do?

You make me hate you, you really do.

Go fuck yourself with a giant rusty pipe.

La la la la laaaaa.

I used to lay in bed with a goofy smile on my face, and think about how lucky I was. Now I just lay in bed and hate everything.

❝

Even if your particular depression does include sadness, it’ll only be one of many other symptoms. The others might be much more painful and salient for you than the sadness is. Some people can’t sleep, others gain weight, some think constantly about death, others can’t concentrate or remember anything. Many lose interest in sex, or food, or both. Almost everyone, it seems, experiences a crushing fatigue in which your limbs feel like stone and no amount of sleep ever helps. Then there are headaches, stomachaches, and so on.

So, depression doesn’t necessarily mean sadness to us. (And a gentle reminder to non-depressed folks: being sad doesn’t mean you’re “depressed,” either.)

Depression is not sadness; it’s an illness that often, though not always, involves sadness. No amount of happy things will make a depressed person spontaneously recover, and, usually, no amount of sad things will make a well-adjusted person with good mental health suddenly develop depression. (Grief, of course, is another matter.) And sadness, on its own, does not cause suicide.

[…]People don’t kill themselves because they’re sad. They kill themselves because they have an illness that, among other things, makes them feel sad. It also makes them feel like their life is worthless, like they’re a burden to others, like death would be easier, and all the other beliefs that lead people down the path to suicide.

There is a tendency, I think, to assume that people are depressed because they are sad. A better way to look at it is that people are sad because they are depressed. That’s why, even if we could “turn that frown upside down!” and “just look on the sunny side!” for your benefit, it would do absolutely no good. The depression would still be there, but in a different form.

 ❞
Miriam Mogilevsky, Depression Is Not Sadness: Junior Seau and Public Discourse on Mental Illness (via grrrlstudies)

(Source: pyrexia)

I’ve been thinking.

Him and I have been fighting a lot. We yell, argue, scream, get a bit physical, and we say things we don’t mean. And I’ve realized some things. He is my release. He is the only person I ever see. So frustration from school, work, my parents, and my almost nonexistant friends, it all builds up. So I let it all out on him, and the second he does something wrong, I snap.

I am also very bored. It’s summer, I work most of the time, but it gets so repetitive, my parents are always busy, but never too busy to throw a list of chores at me, and my friends are too busy getting drunk, high, hooking up with boys, and not respecting theirselves. Most of the time I think, “What happened to you? What are you becoming?” It’s frustrating. It really is, because how am I supposed to help them and be there for them, and expect them to be there for me, when they can’t even help themselves. You’ve been swimming in the deep end for quite some time, don’t you get tired? Aren’t you tired of it? You are drowning and you don’t even see it.

I complain a lot about how I have been there for people countless times. Yet hardly anyone is there for me. I feel alone most of the time. It’s not right. If you take, the least you can do is give in return. I do have some good and positive people in my life, so to those 3 people, I thank you.

And to my boyfriend, I love you. You have been the best thing to ever happen to me. I am sorry for how I am towards you, especially lately.

Let’s get something straight.

Unless I am at work, sleeping, showering, or using the bathroom, you can ALWAYS find me with my boyfriend.

And that’s the way, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it.

Created a new set on my Flickr.

I titled it “Candid Couples”. I want to fill it with pictures of couples. Pictures that are not staged, set up, fake. Those pictures that are taken right before they get in the “good pose” for the camera. But to me, the candid pictures are always the best. It’s those pictures where it really says a lot about a couple. How they are with one another, the goofiness, the seriousness, the passion. It’s all there, captured.

My Midnight Rambling to Eugene
  • Me: If you could jump off a high bridge, and have a 85% chance of not hitting the ground when you jump, would you?"
  • Eugene: Nope. I don't like those odds.
  • Me: I'd take those odds.
  • Eugene: Is this hypothetical?
  • Me: Maybe.
  • Eugene: Haha, what does that mean?
  • Me: It means that it might be hypothetical.
  • Eugene: When might it not be hypothetical?
  • Me: The other 50% of the time. Because something can only be hypothetical 50% of the time. If it's more than 50% that means you are more sure of it, which means that it leans towards truth, reality.
  • Eugene: -_-
  • Me: Have you ever wondered if you see colors the same way that other people see colors?
  • Eugene: Are you high? Hahaha. People do not see exactly the same colors, no.
  • Me: I see. I always think about that. What if people don't see the color blue, like I see the color blue. Because some people are colorblind. Who was the one to point out an object and say "This is Blue." People must have thought they were insane. For "Green, Pink, Rojo, Azul." They were all foreign at one point.
  • Eugene: Yeah, true. People saw these colors in nature and collectively gave them names.
  • Me: So when I look at something, I think "Who decided that was the name of the color? Who decided that was the name of the object? Who decided to even use the object?" And then I think about if people see things the way I see things, or if my version of this world slightly warped? Slightly altered?
  • Eugene: You're getting too deep for me right now haha. =P
  • Me: Or am I seeing the true world, for how it is, and everyone else's version is altered.
  • Eugene: It's called mescaline.
  • Me: And if that, how do I know who can see things the way I can see things?
  • Eugene: You don't.
  • Me: I think there is someone out there who can see colors, shapes, lines, the same as another. I think that's what "Soulmates" are. And it's quite romantic. Two people being able to see an object and feel the same way about, see it the same way, and think about it the same. For how truly rare is that.
  • Eugene: You're drunk.
  • Me: When I think of blue, I think of the deep part of an ocean. Where the pressure is so great that it will cause your lungs to compress to the size of an orange. Blue, deep dark blue. But you might very well think of the sky. This is what's on my mind on a daily basis. I think I am going insane. And it's lovely.
  • Eugene: =)
  • Me: What do you think of all of this?
  • Eugene: I think it's beautiful.
  • Me: Some would say it's crazy. But those are two in the same.
,

In one of those hateful moods. Where all you do is think of the past. Ran into an old friend today that brought back some memories I didn’t really want to think about. Mostly my last two main relationships. We discussed them, and it made me realize something. A relationship doesn’t end because one person fucked up. It ends because both of the people did.

And they only end horribly if both of the people care more than they thought they did.